Mental Health matters

From some of my previous blogs I may have given the impression of being a happy and successful man, but in reality that is far from the truth. It's Mental Health Awareness Week so I want to do something very serious for once and explain the daily challenges I face, having suffered from serious anxiety and stress for several years as a result of a combination of unfortunate circumstances in early adulthood. While I have a satisfying job, a loving family and no money worries, which on the face of it seems to be a fairly good life, there are many other aspects of my life that are much less satisfactory and peace of mind can be very hard to find. I seem to live in a constant state of being on edge and find it almost impossible to relax, even when there is nothing to worry about, so writing this piece is very therapeutic for me as I try to understand myself. I really hope I don't come across as egotistical or self-centred as that isn't the intention and I am simply trying to draw attention to the hidden difficulties anxiety sufferers such as myself have to cope with.  



Too often I find myself alone with my thoughts and they start to get the better of me, and with nothing else to occupy my mind these negative thoughts just start to build uncontrollably until I feel like my life so far has been boring and meaningless and I have nothing worthwhile to show for it, but I can never work out how to change that situation. Often the most minor inconsequential things irritate me to a completely illogical degree and I can get very angry over nothing of any importance, perhaps as a diversionary tactic to focus my energy away from the more serious underlying issues. There are times when I just feel no enthusiasm to do anything at all, and lack of sleep due to these things constantly churning in my head gives me a constant feeling of lethargy. Things are always worse in the winter as the cold weather and early darkness add an extra aspect of misery, and there are times I do struggle to cope with my emotions.

Health

Despite what many people think, anxiety is not 'all in the mind' and can cause very real and painful physical symptoms, often for no apparent reason. Mine typically manifests itself in the form of headaches, which can often be severe and quite debilitating, but are too often dismissed as 'just a headache' and a poor excuse. Other symptoms have included painful stomach cramps and a feeling of sickness, and extensive medical investigations failed to find any other cause and concluded this physical pain was purely a result of mental issues, something that is very poorly understood.

In my case, the anxiety is compounded by a genuine physical condition affecting my vision, which went undiagnosed for many years and had reached an advanced stage by the time a diagnosis was finally made. This first became noticeable in my late teens/early twenties and destroyed much of what little confidence I had at the very time I should have been asserting my independence and trying new and exciting things, and even now much of that confidence has yet to return, leaving me with a very nervous disposition and a fear of the unknown. Fortunately the vision problem is operable so I am hoping I will be able to have the necessary operation next year, having been putting it off as the demands of my degree programme were not conducive to the recovery time needed, and hopefully my confidence will start to come back as a result. However, although the procedure has a very high success rate, the thought of actually having it done is still a constant worry at the back of my mind.

Travelling

The major inconvenience of my vision problem is that it has left me unable to drive, which as a car enthusiast is.another serious blow to my confidence. Fortunately I now have no need to drive for work, but it is frustrating that I am reliant on my parents or public transport when I do want to go further afield, and I have missed out on many interesting events through being unable to get there. I don't have the confidence to travel long distances alone and don't have a close friend to go with, so I have become quite reclusive and reluctant to leave familiar areas. My friends talk excitedly about getting on a plane and jetting off to exotic foreign lands, but quite frankly the thought of doing something like that fills me with dread.

I am not one of these laid-back or impulsive people who can just go with the flow and do things on the spur of the moment. Whenever I am going somewhere, I always have to plan in advance and make sure I have everything I might need and know exactly how to get there, and then leave plenty of time for the journey, which inevitably results in a nervous wait when I arrive early. Similarly, when family members go out, I always have to know where they are going, how to contact them and what time they will be back. For some completely irrational reason, I get very nervous when my parents go out at night and I am at home alone in darkness, and am unable to sleep until they return. Why this is the case I have no idea as I am fine when on my own during the day, and it seems a very childish thing to worry about.  

Work

A large part of the blame for my anxiety problems must be taken by my former employer. It was a small company in which I had responsibility for a huge number of different aspects of their IT systems, which created a very stressful working environment as I arrived each day not knowing what I would be doing and what might go wrong. As I was in the most junior role, there was no one else I could delegate to and ultimately whatever job I was given became my responsibility, even if it was something I had very little experience of, so the fear of making things worse through my own incompetence was constant. Although my immediate boss was fine, the managing director's behaviour was often unpredictable and insensitive, and he was very intolerant of things going wrong, so in all honesty I became scared of him.

I never really felt valued in that role, as if I was just 'the boy' who did menial tasks and didn't really contribute anything, and was repeatedly denied any opportunity for promotion or training despite numerous requests and promises. Until I stepped away, I didn't realise just how bad things had become and looking back I can see I was on the road to ruin and a potential nervous breakdown. I have not had any contact with any of my former colleagues since then, and I want to keep that part of my life firmly in the past as I have moved on to better things. My current job at the university is much more satisfying and my colleagues are far more supportive and appreciative of my contribution, so this is one area that has improved enormously and is no longer a real cause for concern, but memories of the past still haunt me in my weaker moments.

Life and love

I have always been very shy and introverted, and find it hard to talk to people, especially those I am meeting for the first time and may not have much in common with, so it takes a long time to really get to know and trust them. It has been over a decade since I left school, and I have lost contact with most of my friends there as they have made their own lives all around the world and many cases no longer have any connection with my hometown. None of my colleagues in my former job became friends as we had so little in common, and it left me so stressed that I lost all interest in socialising outside of work. Even now I find myself struggling when conversations turn to something I have little interest in or knowledge of, so I end up talking about myself rather too much. I'm honestly not being egotistic but just trying to make conversation as I'm not very worldly-wise and don't have much to talk about. 

I made some good friends on my undergraduate course, but it was a very small class and they have all long since graduated and moved on, in many cases back to their home countries, so I rarely see them now. Degrees at this university are completed in two rather than three years, which is a very short time so I constantly have the feeling that I am just getting to know someone really well, only for them to reach the end of their studies and leave. As the university is local and I have never lived in student accommodation, I have never experienced the close friendship forged by living together either. Life as a postgraduate student was very different as almost all of my fellow students were much older than me with partners and children of their own, and came to the university purely to work with no interest in socialising. For the last few years I haven't had a really good friend to do things with so I always end up going to social events alone and then finding it difficult to join in with conversations as people usually arrive in groups.

Things aren't helped by the complete absence of anything that could be called a love life, not for want of trying. Not one of the many girls I have met over the past 15 years has ever shown any interest in being any more than just friends, and those I show an interest in are inevitably either already in a  relationship or not interested, a situation that is starting to frustrate me as I see so many younger friends in stable relationships but have yet to get anywhere near that stage. It is particularly hard now as about 18 months ago I met the most perfect girl and fell instantly and completely in love with her; I poured my heart out to her, which was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, hoping and praying she would feel something for me, only to find that she didn't. We stayed friends but she has now completed her final exams and will be leaving the university imminently, and I am struggling to cope with the fact I will no longer see her around. I still love her so much, think about her every day and would give anything to be with her, an emotional trauma that is hard to bear on top of everything else.


So there you have it, an insight into my troubled mind that has hopefully been informative. I hope you have managed to read this far through my rambling tale, but to be honest writing this piece was as much for my own benefit as anyone else's, so it has still served a valuable purpose even if no one actually reads it. I will finish with heartfelt thanks to all those friends and family who have helped me through some difficult times - you know who you are and I really appreciate all you've done for this troubled soul.